Sunday, November 9, 2014

la familia

The Reunion
a play in  acts.
act one.
or a short story.

Marianne had always questioned her own sanity but by the time she was almost 60 she was pretty sure she was sane and everybody else was nuts. Nonetheless, she carried on despite having been widowed, had one of her sons pass on, and she muddled through the whole mess with a sense of duty befitting the matriarch of a huge family that resided in Indiana, and other states she avoided merely because she didn''t want to visit any of her relatives.
She considered any state south of Michigan to be the Deep South and with that in mind she convinced herself she was set to stay in Michigan, unless god told her otherwise. Her ideas of god changed daily, most of the time she called it 'that motherfucker', but she also knew she was just screaming at herself most of the time, because, really, she thought...what isn't god? read theoretical physics.

Nonetheless she made the best of it, or tried to, as she assumed her son would want her to continue inhabiting 3 dimensions and sometimes he would come to her in dreams or visions and laugh at her and remind her that this was one. short. comedy.

Her only companions were 2 dogs, 3 cats, and 2 parrots, all who she acquired through one person or another and she quit at that number before she would allow herself to be labelled an animal hoarder.

Christmas was never a good time for her, all the jolly people made her think of the last scene in Scarface and she wanted to destroy entire shopping malls with her little friend, "MEET MY LITTLE FRIEND!" she would imagine as she wandered through Menards or WalMart as the Holly Jolly music rang over the heads of the bedraggled cashiers. She knew she shouldn't have preferences, but she was not enlightened, and considered her fantasy of blasting away  waving Santa Clauses as one that she deserved after 60 yrs of inhabiting this dimension.

As  matter of fact, she ignored all the holidays as much as possible. The swaggering drunks of St Patricks Day, the holy holy holies of Easter, the Patriotic fervor of July 4th, and especially Thanksgiving when she had found her youngest son had passed over from an accidental overdose in 2006.

No, she didn't do holidays, but she was a good actress and could fake anything, which she did, because she had 2 other sons and most importantly, a grandson whose light lit up her dreary days with the boundless joy exhibited only by 6 yr olds who didn't give a shite about anything but having fun.

Marianne was 60, and now had reached the age where having fun was all she had left to accomplish, so anytime she could spend with a 6 yr old was a grand time indeed. He was why she still chose to exist.

So she dedicated herself to his little innocent eyes, as he stumbled through a world of adults . Adults whose business was to be busy, something she watched in horror, all is vanity, she kept reminding herself, as she cleaned the cat litter.

Her biological family thought her strange, they didn't quite know what to think of her, but she accomadated them anyway. There were five of them younger than her, all of them brothers and sisters from the same parents, although Marianne wondered why she belonged to that particular group of people, because she considered them all crazed lunatics . She took the majestic leap of faith by believing what the ancient sages kept saying..' you choose your destiny before you are born, you chose this family to learn from'.

Marianne wanted her diploma, but it never came, despite the lessons she learned from all of her brothers and sisters.

She was pretty sure her mother and father had hoped for a lovingly Catholic family, filled with scenes from Bells of St Marys, Bernadette of Lourdes, and she watched her mother pray unceasingly that at least one of the sons become a priest. Mother would have liked a nun in the family, also, but Marianne discovered , in art school, at the age of 19, that men were really fun so she took a different path.

Sometimes Marianne, alone now with her dogs, cats, and birds, would suddenly have an epiphany, a bright idea, or so she thought, and since she knew she was getting old and closing in on her own demise, she wanted a decent resume', just in case she had to encounter a life review when that massive stroke took her out, or the truck hit her as she crossed the street.

She called her sister, her sister who was one year younger than her. Her sister Colleen , named by her father in honour of what he thought was their Irish heritage.

Colleen was a go getter, always had been, a mighty woman set upon a career from day one, someone who wore jangles and bangles , knock off Chanel suits and had the most fabulous breasts since the age of nine..Colleen didn;t hold back when she had her mind set upon an issue, much to Marianne's dismay, because Colleen was always pretty cocksure of herself, and let Marianne know it. Marianne humoured this behaviour, merely to keep peace between herself and her sister, but she often wondered if Colleen could hear Marianne roll her eyes as they spoke on the phone.

"I have a great idea!" Marianne told Colleen that day. You know, the day of the epiphany.
Colleen was eager to hear.

to be cont.......................

Friday, March 18, 2011

Sunday, August 29, 2010

O Menopause (sung to the tune O Xmas Tree)

O Menopause
O Menopause
I love you oh so dearly
O Menopause
O Menopause
You stay with me all yearly

The eggs no more slip down the slide
The last one croaked in 95
O Menopause, sweet Menopause
I'm feeling pretty cheerly

My uterus, No Vacancies, but copulate?
Of course, and please
O Menopause, O Menopause
I love you oh so dearly

No need to wear a pad or plug
No strings hanging from my old shrub

O Menopause O Menopause
I love you oh

A note concerning female mutilation

(sung to the tune, I Could Have Danced All Night)

I'd Rather Keep my Clit,
I'd Rather Keep my Clit
Deliciously Intact!
I'd rather keep it on
I do not need a Shlong
You Patriarchal Hack

My clit is nice, Ive used it oft, for pleasure
Unlike you guys, it stays disguised
(and women don't measure...)

I'd rather keep my clit
I am not done with it
I am still using it
all night!!!!!

Ode to Playtex Girdles (sung to tune Ode to Joy)

O' how I remember stuffing my big ass into that square
Grinding, winding, sweating buttocks screaming as they gasped for air
Ne'er a woman over 50 doesn't remember this attack
Polyethylene Plastic Prison poisoning her panting crack

O' what Glory in the evening when the girdles were undone
Mounds of flesh erupting , happily,
Joyful women, everyone!

Ballad of Motel 6

(standing bare ass naked in front of a mirror under a fluorescent light)

O' Golden Years, resplendent age
History maketh me a sage
Now crown-ed wise, anointed bard
Aye, best of all...AARP card

Yea, tho I saveth 10% on lodgings
Hear my sad lament
Forsooth there is a hellious doom
when booking such a cheapo room

Tis said, to thine own self be true
O' doth thee even have a clue??
as to the HORRORS now revealed
when naked flesh is ne'er concealed?!

The light! The light! O Damned Spot!
O wretched feckless rusting rot!
the mirror is not crack-ed, no
Ye! tis my BODY that is so!

Where once a tiny snip of fig
Could cover my pubescent wig
Now greyish sprouts n'er ever fed
Looks like Don King giving me head

Ahh!! No escape! These breasts, benign
last suckled, 1979
Now nam-ed Flip, and Flop, they float
Upon mine belly's ponderous bloat

The ass! The ass! Fie! Fie! The ass!
Once stalwart peaks! Now, Donners Pass
Oh, rosy cherubed cheeks of steel
Now only mine dog doth cop a feel

And yet the light so brightly glares
envisioning rogue, vile, vagrant hairs
all travell-ed , well sprouted, proudly
Dare I protest? I Curse! and loudly!

O fist upheld! O langorous note!
Mine chin's festooned like a billy goat!
Progesteronic curs-ed void!
Mine face resembleth Sigmund Freud

Who is this blue bespeckled hag
Whose belly waveth like a flag
When moving , wanders, nigh to fro
A Harlot, Once, but now, what Ho???

Gelatanious mounds, mine bric a brac
Ships hull, TORPEDOED, front to back
Once Proud PROW , now a languished shell
(and worst of all! My Poop Deck fell!)

Ye, my sangorous curses fill the night
Out! Out! Damnable fluorescent light!
Into mine bed, I crawl, agloom
O' blackened, darkened, cheapo room

As my thoughts fade, perchance to dream
I contemplate my grievious scene


Joy doth return,
Mine sleep content
Feh!! Im Still Saving 10 Percent!

BEWARE of Picasso

If I were a woman, Paris, 1899
Id NEVER take my clothes off and I'd ne'er bare my behind

Forsooth, I'd see it centuries late , a hanging in the Louvre

a million bucks

for my buttocks

oil lacquered by some dude