O Menopause
O Menopause
I love you oh so dearly
O Menopause
O Menopause
You stay with me all yearly
The eggs no more slip down the slide
The last one croaked in 95
O Menopause, sweet Menopause
I'm feeling pretty cheerly
My uterus, No Vacancies, but copulate?
Of course, and please
O Menopause, O Menopause
I love you oh so dearly
No need to wear a pad or plug
No strings hanging from my old shrub
O Menopause O Menopause
I love you oh
so
dearly
Sunday, August 29, 2010
A note concerning female mutilation
(sung to the tune, I Could Have Danced All Night)
I'd Rather Keep my Clit,
I'd Rather Keep my Clit
Deliciously Intact!
I'd rather keep it on
I do not need a Shlong
You Patriarchal Hack
My clit is nice, Ive used it oft, for pleasure
Unlike you guys, it stays disguised
(and women don't measure...)
I'd rather keep my clit
I am not done with it
I am still using it
all night!!!!!
I'd Rather Keep my Clit,
I'd Rather Keep my Clit
Deliciously Intact!
I'd rather keep it on
I do not need a Shlong
You Patriarchal Hack
My clit is nice, Ive used it oft, for pleasure
Unlike you guys, it stays disguised
(and women don't measure...)
I'd rather keep my clit
I am not done with it
I am still using it
all night!!!!!
Ode to Playtex Girdles (sung to tune Ode to Joy)
O' how I remember stuffing my big ass into that square
Grinding, winding, sweating buttocks screaming as they gasped for air
Ne'er a woman over 50 doesn't remember this attack
Polyethylene Plastic Prison poisoning her panting crack
O' what Glory in the evening when the girdles were undone
Mounds of flesh erupting , happily,
Joyful women, everyone!
Grinding, winding, sweating buttocks screaming as they gasped for air
Ne'er a woman over 50 doesn't remember this attack
Polyethylene Plastic Prison poisoning her panting crack
O' what Glory in the evening when the girdles were undone
Mounds of flesh erupting , happily,
Joyful women, everyone!
Ballad of Motel 6
(standing bare ass naked in front of a mirror under a fluorescent light)
O' Golden Years, resplendent age
History maketh me a sage
Now crown-ed wise, anointed bard
Aye, best of all...AARP card
Yea, tho I saveth 10% on lodgings
Hear my sad lament
Forsooth there is a hellious doom
when booking such a cheapo room
Tis said, to thine own self be true
O' doth thee even have a clue??
as to the HORRORS now revealed
when naked flesh is ne'er concealed?!
The light! The light! O Damned Spot!
O wretched feckless rusting rot!
the mirror is not crack-ed, no
Ye! tis my BODY that is so!
Where once a tiny snip of fig
Could cover my pubescent wig
Now greyish sprouts n'er ever fed
Looks like Don King giving me head
Ahh!! No escape! These breasts, benign
last suckled, 1979
Now nam-ed Flip, and Flop, they float
Upon mine belly's ponderous bloat
The ass! The ass! Fie! Fie! The ass!
Once stalwart peaks! Now, Donners Pass
Oh, rosy cherubed cheeks of steel
Now only mine dog doth cop a feel
And yet the light so brightly glares
envisioning rogue, vile, vagrant hairs
all travell-ed , well sprouted, proudly
Dare I protest? I Curse! and loudly!
O fist upheld! O langorous note!
Mine chin's festooned like a billy goat!
Progesteronic curs-ed void!
Mine face resembleth Sigmund Freud
Who is this blue bespeckled hag
Whose belly waveth like a flag
When moving , wanders, nigh to fro
A Harlot, Once, but now, what Ho???
Gelatanious mounds, mine bric a brac
Ships hull, TORPEDOED, front to back
Once Proud PROW , now a languished shell
(and worst of all! My Poop Deck fell!)
Ye, my sangorous curses fill the night
Out! Out! Damnable fluorescent light!
Into mine bed, I crawl, agloom
O' blackened, darkened, cheapo room
As my thoughts fade, perchance to dream
I contemplate my grievious scene
Yet,
Joy doth return,
Mine sleep content
Feh!! Im Still Saving 10 Percent!
O' Golden Years, resplendent age
History maketh me a sage
Now crown-ed wise, anointed bard
Aye, best of all...AARP card
Yea, tho I saveth 10% on lodgings
Hear my sad lament
Forsooth there is a hellious doom
when booking such a cheapo room
Tis said, to thine own self be true
O' doth thee even have a clue??
as to the HORRORS now revealed
when naked flesh is ne'er concealed?!
The light! The light! O Damned Spot!
O wretched feckless rusting rot!
the mirror is not crack-ed, no
Ye! tis my BODY that is so!
Where once a tiny snip of fig
Could cover my pubescent wig
Now greyish sprouts n'er ever fed
Looks like Don King giving me head
Ahh!! No escape! These breasts, benign
last suckled, 1979
Now nam-ed Flip, and Flop, they float
Upon mine belly's ponderous bloat
The ass! The ass! Fie! Fie! The ass!
Once stalwart peaks! Now, Donners Pass
Oh, rosy cherubed cheeks of steel
Now only mine dog doth cop a feel
And yet the light so brightly glares
envisioning rogue, vile, vagrant hairs
all travell-ed , well sprouted, proudly
Dare I protest? I Curse! and loudly!
O fist upheld! O langorous note!
Mine chin's festooned like a billy goat!
Progesteronic curs-ed void!
Mine face resembleth Sigmund Freud
Who is this blue bespeckled hag
Whose belly waveth like a flag
When moving , wanders, nigh to fro
A Harlot, Once, but now, what Ho???
Gelatanious mounds, mine bric a brac
Ships hull, TORPEDOED, front to back
Once Proud PROW , now a languished shell
(and worst of all! My Poop Deck fell!)
Ye, my sangorous curses fill the night
Out! Out! Damnable fluorescent light!
Into mine bed, I crawl, agloom
O' blackened, darkened, cheapo room
As my thoughts fade, perchance to dream
I contemplate my grievious scene
Yet,
Joy doth return,
Mine sleep content
Feh!! Im Still Saving 10 Percent!
BEWARE of Picasso
If I were a woman, Paris, 1899
Id NEVER take my clothes off and I'd ne'er bare my behind
Forsooth, I'd see it centuries late , a hanging in the Louvre
a million bucks
for my buttocks
oil lacquered by some dude
Id NEVER take my clothes off and I'd ne'er bare my behind
Forsooth, I'd see it centuries late , a hanging in the Louvre
a million bucks
for my buttocks
oil lacquered by some dude
A Toast to Brazen Hussies
A Toast to Brazen Hussies!
To the Floozies, and the Tramps!
A Toast to Wanton Women!
Hear Hear! to all the Vamps!
Big breasted Buxom Women!
Who raise their skirts on high!
and stomp their feet upon the ground!
as they dance beneath the sky!
They dance beneath Diana!
The goddess of the Moon
Who kicked some butt, when she got caught
Without her pantaloons!
They sing in ribald voices!
Their faces flushed and red!
as they swing their mighty hips, YE GODS
it's good to be well fed!
Sooo Hurrah! Yeehah all Bitches!
All tarts full of wild livin!
Dance good, eat good, Live free, Be free!!!
a TOAST to WICKED WOMEN!
HEAR HEAR TO WICKED WOMEN!
To the Floozies, and the Tramps!
A Toast to Wanton Women!
Hear Hear! to all the Vamps!
Big breasted Buxom Women!
Who raise their skirts on high!
and stomp their feet upon the ground!
as they dance beneath the sky!
They dance beneath Diana!
The goddess of the Moon
Who kicked some butt, when she got caught
Without her pantaloons!
They sing in ribald voices!
Their faces flushed and red!
as they swing their mighty hips, YE GODS
it's good to be well fed!
Sooo Hurrah! Yeehah all Bitches!
All tarts full of wild livin!
Dance good, eat good, Live free, Be free!!!
a TOAST to WICKED WOMEN!
HEAR HEAR TO WICKED WOMEN!
THE BATTLE
Newtonians stomp their feet and scream
how dare you say their world is dream!
the Quantum blokes retort in kind
Throw out your clocks! Unwind! Unwind!
The furious battle doth ensue
gravitious apples thrown, mon dieu!
Newtonians armed with facts and time
attempt to conquer String theory Crime
Oh woe! neutrinos blazing wonder
The Quantum warriors sit, and ponder
this is just a silly Brawl
why fight what is not there at all?
how dare you say their world is dream!
the Quantum blokes retort in kind
Throw out your clocks! Unwind! Unwind!
The furious battle doth ensue
gravitious apples thrown, mon dieu!
Newtonians armed with facts and time
attempt to conquer String theory Crime
Oh woe! neutrinos blazing wonder
The Quantum warriors sit, and ponder
this is just a silly Brawl
why fight what is not there at all?
doggy style
whilst contemplating Kierkegaard and Plato before noon
my dog sat very patiently next to me in the room
My brow was furrowed deep in thought my mannerisms vague
when thus I felt my little pooch a scratching at my leg
"Oh lady dear, philosopher, oh genius, oracle?
I need to poop, I truly do, my bowels are truly full..
so, if you could unglue your ass from that existential bard
I REALLY REAALLY NEED TO POOP
please take me to the yard"
We wandered out his joy unbound
he pooped he sniffed along the ground
he jumped he barked he chased a squirrel
he hopped and leaped and did a whirl.
And in one moment , swoop, I saw
no book nor words can be
as wise nor brilliant as the puppy
scratching next to me.
my dog sat very patiently next to me in the room
My brow was furrowed deep in thought my mannerisms vague
when thus I felt my little pooch a scratching at my leg
"Oh lady dear, philosopher, oh genius, oracle?
I need to poop, I truly do, my bowels are truly full..
so, if you could unglue your ass from that existential bard
I REALLY REAALLY NEED TO POOP
please take me to the yard"
We wandered out his joy unbound
he pooped he sniffed along the ground
he jumped he barked he chased a squirrel
he hopped and leaped and did a whirl.
And in one moment , swoop, I saw
no book nor words can be
as wise nor brilliant as the puppy
scratching next to me.
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